Truth is I'm changing. I've changed so much I hardly recognize myself. I'm changing for the better really, my whole mindset is maturing. I don't accept excuses or silly melodrama. I know that if I want something, I should just do it. But I sometimes don't know what to do if I can't do what I used to do 'cause it's not me anymore. I know, it makes no sense but I'm writing this more for me now. Everyone we ever were, we love. And when we change, we mourn a bit of ourselves. We can be changing for the better. We could be on the verge of enlightenment but some part of us hangs on to our old selves. After all, it was a lot easier to be a lesser person than we are today and I do miss the crutches I used to fall on.
I miss the way I used to write, not like how I write now isn't bad. When I was a little kid, I didn't even think about writing. I wrote the most incredible stories and used my imagination to see how far I could take them and I loved doing it. Then I changed somewhere along the way. Some English teachers started making me think I had to put meaning in everything. I spent so long trying to find that old kid in me again. But she's gone. It's the things I really want that I'm afraid of doing 'cause I know what the cost is, my heart and soul and dreams and wishes.
I'm just writing to relax. No clarity tonight, no poetry, no sweet imagery. Maybe I'll read this tomorrow and learn something about myself.
