Entitlement vs. Responsibility

So I've been really into TEDtalks lately.  I guess I like them because I can listen to them while I clean or cook and I know I will always get a quality talk.  With so much crap on the media today, it's nice to have a place to go to where I can get some quality talks from quality people at any time.  It is like getting free college lectures without the tuition or the stress of test taking.

So an African scholar did a speech about how to teach our leaders to lead.  He was talking about the atrocities he witnessed in his country due to unethical or cruel leaders.  He realized that there was a ruling class, an elite group of people and he went to the colleges and the universities where they studied and noticed that many are taught, "entitlement over responsibility."

Those two words really stuck with me, entitlement and responsibility.

I think about when the word entitlement is used the most.  Heck I've even used it when I say "everyone is entitled to their own opinion."  I usually say it when two people disagree and usually, we say that there is no right or wrong but everyone has their own perception.  Is this true?  I asked myself this and I had to admit that it isn't true.  It is just our way of dealing with difficult people.  Often these people have limited or prejudice opinions and I'm often hurt when others have opinions about hurting another and think it is okay.  Those with the most hurtful opinions are the most aggressive to those who oppose them.  They are usually the ones who say they are entitled to their opinions the most.

Is someone who believes that it is his right to neglect his children or pets entitled to his opinion?  Maybe.  Is someone who believes that someone of another race, creed, gender or religion is inferior or less human than him entitled to his own opinion?  Is someone who believes in hate crimes entitled?  I have heard people who believe in these things say they are entitled.  I've heard many more say that they are entitled to litter, to scour the environment and to destroy the habitat of other animals.

Yes we have rights but we don't have the right to hurt another.  But, you can't not hurt anyone. People are sensitive.  The slightest word can hurt one type of person or another.  I am guilty of this.  Everyone is but what if you replace the word ENTITLED with RESPONSIBLE.

I am responsible for my human rights.  I am responsible for my opinion.

We are responsible for our happiness.  Wow, it makes a huge difference.  A crooked law official might say that he is entitled to beat the citizens because he was given the power to do so but if he started saying he is responsible for beating the citizens, it takes on a whole new meaning.

Saying that you are responsible rather than entitled makes you ask questions.  Are my thoughts and opinions the best ones for me and for society?  Am I using my power wisely?  You know how they say, "With great power comes great responsibility."  

Thinking responsibly puts more power into your hands.  It is what separates the real leaders from the bullies and the compassionate from the selfish.  It makes us stop asking why me?  Why isn't the world working the way it should?  It makes us start asking, what can I do to fix my situation?  What can I do to help society function in a way that better suits me?

You are entitled to be responsible.

Love? What's that?

So I'm having a hard time sleeping.  I always have a hard time sleeping when I'm hungry so I am having corn nuts as I write this.  I  might just have too much on my mind.  My brain is fried.  I played some spider solitaire.  Brain still fried so I went on youtube to see if anything on there would sooth me.  I typed the word "meaning" in the search engine and a song popped up, something about love being the meaning and answer to everything.

When I was young, I didn't believe in love.  I thought that something this perfect and wonderful couldn't possibly exist.  Thing is, I didn't know what love was.  I find that most people don't.  Truth is, if you have love in your heart that really is all you need.  People will fight and fret and seek a lot of power to fill that empty hole where there is no love.  They will blame and wave their self-righteous hands at anyone who does them wrong and wonder why they don't have anyone to love or why no one loves them.  People look and search, thinking love can only be in one place forever and ever.  Love must stand still for them. They must possess it.

Truth is, love is compassion.  Love is everywhere.  It isn't just in one person.  It's in everybody.  I don't mean that we should all sleep with each other.  I'm saying, if you do sleep with someone, it is because you share affection and not possession.  If they walk away from you the next day and never come back, you wish the best for them because you love them.  You do not wish them harm or vengeance.  That is true love, down to the deepest level and anything else is superficial.  To give love is to experience peace.  To hoard love is to experience suffering.  All you see is yourself, your ego, your emptiness.  Anger takes over and we start to identify with our anger.  Our anger makes us who we are.  It makes us special.  We are against the world and those who are not like us.   To feel love is to not expect others to feel it.  We feel it and we let them be who they are.  We don't tell people how to love.  We either do or don't.  Love accepts.  It doesn't expect.  


Once we learn to love, everything falls into place. You can love anything, your parents, your friends, your dog, your kids, the sun, the moon, the trees, the ocean. You can love them, care for them, share with them and experience the bliss of living in a world of harmony. Or you can try to control them or search the world for someone to control and call that love. Worst yet, you can compete with them or compete for someone's affection and assume that love is a game or a toss of a dice; something that only lucky people can have.

That's it. Hope you don't mind my late night babbling.

On Fame, Solitude, and Writing

When asked about their ideal future, over sixty percent of teenagers wanted to be famous. This seems to be a recent phenomenon. Perhaps it is the result of reality TV and celebrities like Paris Hilton, who isn’t known for any particular talent. Most of the teenagers polled had no idea how to be famous or had no talent in particular. They just wanted fame.

Upon hearing this, I look back on my own childhood. I remember wanting to be a writer. I think the last thing I wanted was fame. I loved stories and words more than anything. I thought that being paid to write would be the coolest thing in the world. I foresaw a peaceful life where I sit in my own backyard with only my typewriter as my companion. I wanted success so I could be away from people and indulge in my own fantasy world. Unfortunately, fame is a horrible side effect of success. If people don’t like me, I won’t sell books. If I don’t sell books, I won’t get paid for doing what I like.

Most writers prefer solitude over accolades and adoring fans. These days, we are expected to be highly involved in marketing strategies and promotional activities. Someone once told me that it was the price of fame. I had to remind him that fame was never my ultimate goal.

Yet, everyone assumes it is. They tell me that with my body, I can draw slews of fans if I wore something proactive and posed for the camera. But will that sell books? Maybe it will get me more hits on twitter but will that make me feel like I’ve achieved my dream? Today, I sit here, realizing that the original dream was to be left alone with my craft. If I could get paid for writing, I could escape all the other crap. It was a naïve, childhood fantasy, totally void of reality. After all, why would I want to be the center of attention? Why would I want my private life on display for everyone to judge? Why would I want to hear the constant snickering of people who hate me for being loved? There is something very scary about fame. Could it be that the fear of popularity can get in the way of success? After all, once you have a devoted following, you can lose them at the turn of a coin.

I don’t know what to say to kids who want to be famous. It’s amazing that anyone would want that kind of craziness over a life of peace and love. What happened to the idea of being good at something and getting paid for it? Perhaps kids don’t get enough attention these days. They are brushed aside as we check our iphones. I don’t know. If I were to say anything to youngsters, I think it would be that I hope their path has a heart in it. I hope they aren’t selling their souls to earn the unreliable love of strangers. I know this isn’t much of a blog for youngsters. I mostly just blog about what pops up in my head because that’s what I like to do. I know I don’t do it for the fame. 

I Can See The Future

I can see the future. I time travel in my sleep.

I guess this could be considered a gothic blog because it deals with mortality. It could also be considered a science fiction blog because it deals with the future. It could also be considered a spiritual blog because it deals with the truth.

The truth is, we are all going to die, and not the way we think we will. People like to think that we are all going to kick the bucket in December 2012. Really, we’re all in denial. The truth is much sadder than that, so sad that we refuse to deal with it. We want it to all end at once because that would save us the heartache.


The truth is we are all going to die at different times. The ones who remain alive will have to deal with the loss of those who die. Then they will die as more are born. That is the truth. What more is there to say about the future?


The truth is, we all know this deep down inside. It lies in the subconscious of every relationship. We all deal with this inevitability in different ways. Some of us push everyone away, opting to die alone over having to watch someone die. Some of us put our faith in the end of the world so we can all die together. Some of us try not to love each other as much because we fear it will hurt us more if we lose them. But deep down inside we know that you can't love someone just a little bit. You have to love them completely. There is no other way. So when you obsess over the petty little things, remember this truth.

To live in this world

you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it

against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go. 

- Mary Oliver

Censorship Thwarted and the Death of Paper

 Borders is closed. Now Encyclopedia Britannica is out of business. The newspapers are also going out of business. Times are changing. I can’t say it’s all bad. The ebook evolution has done wonders for independent authors and you can get news and information at the drop of a hat. I will miss paper. It’s easier on my eyes. I’m glad we’re saving trees but I wonder how much energy we use with all that electricity. I guess I can google that.  ;)

In other news, Papal reversed its censorship rule thanks to many independent bloggers and authors who spoke out against it. This victory puts me in a much better mood. There are laws that make us sick, and facebook is full of links to articles about stupid laws that the government tries to pass. It feels good to know that we do have a say on these things and that we can fight a suppressive law. They say the pen is mightier than the sword. Writers have been waging battles since the dawn of time and if we are censored, we will yell until it kills us. We have written our words on jail cell walls and have snuck books to other countries to be published. Censorship can’t stop us so there is no point in trying. We help societies evolve by introducing new ideas and new ways of thinking.

Why Same Sex Marriage is a Civil Right

The other night I was watching a movie about a man and woman living in the nineteen sixties. The man was black and the woman was white. Instead of sitting in the “negro” section of the movie theatre, they decided to sit together as they were falling in love. As a result of making this choice, the black man was hauled away, arrested and beaten so he would learn a lesson about where his place should be. We look back at the oppression colored people faced in the past and shake our heads in dismay. However, when a loving gay couple wants to get married, people try to pass a law that takes away their freedom to pursue such happiness. Years after the success of the civil rights movement, an unjust law (proposition 8) that takes away a homosexual’s right to marry is voted in. This law has been the focus of many lawsuits and is still going through an exhausting court system. How did this happen?

Proposition 8 YES adds exactly 14 words to the California State Constitution:

"Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California."

For the sake of clarity, I will now refer to all who oppose prop 8 as supporters of gay marriage and all who support prop 8 as oppenents of gay marriage.

I have no doubt that hatred for gays is alive in this country. I have personally witnessed prejudice against many groups including; racial minorities, women, and gays, many times in my life. This is why the law needs to be just regardless of the fact that many people are hateful to those who are different. Gays and other minorities have been victims of: bullying, murders, and lynching, which is why the law needs to be against such injustices. As my friend, Alfred Surenyan said to me, “it isn’t about tolerance. We should not tolerate hate and violence. It is about embracing other cultures and lifestyles and appreciating diversity.”

I’ve heard the main political factions that support proposition 8 say that they let their gay neighbors come over for barbeques. However, they don’t want their children seeing them married. I do not understand what the difference is. If they let their gay friends come over for barbeques, why do they not support their friend’s right to get married? What difference does it make to them if their gay friends are married or not, and how will this negatively affect their children? There are a lot of holes in this argument mainly because it isn’t based on any logic. It is based on a hidden prejudice against gays. This is like saying that you are against interracial marriage because you don’t want your kids seeing black and white couples together. However, some of your best friends are black. Being around a married gay people hurts no one, just as being around interracial couples hurts no one. If someone has a problem with who one chooses to marry, that is their problem. It should not be an excuse to pass an oppressive law. I would rather a person marry the one they love and enjoy the sanctity of living in an honest relationship, than watch a person marry someone they don’t love just to appease a law or a prejudiced society. Meanwhile, we see celebrities marry and divorce with a drop of a hat. We see people marry for money or politics yet we deny two gay people, who are in love, the sanctity of marriage.

Another argument I hear against gay marriage is that it interferes in people’s religious practices and beliefs. This is a fallacious argument because it isolates one particular belief and ignores the beliefs of others. This argument is oppressive to many religious groups and goes against our freedom of religion. I know many Christians who believe that Christ would gladly support gay rights if he were alive today. The other day, I was speaking to my friend, Alfred, about this topic. He is a Priest of the Wiccan religion. He marries people and also specializes in marrying gay couples. Now that one religion has been satisfied by not allowing gays to marry, his religion and holy practice has been affected because his right to marry gays has now been taken away. Religions had rights before this law was passed. They could marry whoever they wanted. Now they don’t have a choice. This is like saying that it is alright for one religion to pray in public but not for another. Our laws should be as fair as possible and they can only be fair if everyone has equal freedoms; freedom to pray and freedom to marry who they want to marry. If everyone has the right to do what they love and what they believe in, all will be fair. There is a difference between allowing people to believe in what they want, and changing a law that takes away a person’s right to marry who they want.

Here is a list of the many religious groups that SUPPORT gay marriage via wikipedia:

All six Episcopal diocesan bishops in California jointly issued a statement opposing Proposition 8 on September 10, 2008.^[89] Southern California's largest collection of rabbis, the Board of Rabbis of Southern California, voted to oppose Proposition 8.^[90] Other Jewish groups who opposed Proposition 8 include Jewish Mosaic,^[91] the American Jewish Committee, Progressive Jewish Alliance, National Council of Jewish Women, and the Anti-Defamation League.^[62] Los Angeles Jews were more opposed to Prop 8 than any other religious group or ethnic group in the city. Jewish Angelenos voted 78% against the measure while only 8% supported the measure; the remainder declined to respond.^[92] The legislative ministry of the Unitarian Universalists opposed Proposition 8, and organized phone banks toward defeating the measure.^[93] They see opposition to the proposition as a civil rights and social justice issue and their actions against it as a continuation of their previous works in civil rights.

In addition, the California Council of Churches issued a statement urging the "immediate removal of Proposition 8" – saying that it infringes on the freedom of religion for churches who wish to bless same-sex unions.^[94]

As for marriage always being between a man and a woman, this link shows that marriage between two men was once sanctioned by the Catholic Church:

http://www.christianity-revealed.com/cr/files/whensamesexmarriagewasachristianrite.html

The religious groups who OPPOSE gay marriage say that gays will sue them if they refuse to marry them. This is a ridiculous argument. In the past, gays could go to any of the above churches and be blessed in a same sex marriage. Now they can’t go anywhere to be legally married. A slew of lawsuits came out when prop 8 was passed because it discriminated against gays. If you want gays to leave you alone, grant them their rights. If you want gays to constantly protest and demand their rights, continue to oppress them. If you stay out of their business and let them marry whoever they like, they will stay out of yours.

The largest argument I have heard against gay marriage is that children would be taught in schools that gay marriage is the norm. This argument is not based on logic but a fear of change. Some people want to go back to a time when anything different was considered an abomination. Let’s go back to the time when gays were thought of as diseased and blacks and women were considered second class citizens. The stigma against gays has already changed due to many scientific studies. There is now a large body of evidence that indicates that being gay, lesbian or bisexual is compatible with normal mental health and social adjustment.

The American Psychological Association, the American Psychiatric Association, and the National Association of Social Workers state:

“

In 1952, when the American Psychiatric Association published its first Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, homosexuality was included as a disorder. Almost immediately, however, that classification began to be subjected to critical scrutiny in research funded by the National Institute of Mental Health. That study and subsequent research consistently failed to produce any empirical or scientific basis for regarding homosexuality as a disorder or abnormality, rather than a normal and healthy sexual orientation. As results from such research accumulated, professionals in medicine, mental health, and the behavioral and social sciences reached the conclusion that it was inaccurate to classify homosexuality as a mental disorder and that the DSM classification reflected untested assumptions based on once-prevalent social norms and clinical impressions from unrepresentative samples comprising patients seeking therapy and individuals whose conduct brought them into the criminal justice system. In recognition of the scientific evidence,[67] the American Psychiatric Association removed homosexuality from the DSM in 1973, stating that "homosexuality per se implies no impairment in judgment, stability, reliability, or general social or vocational capabilities." After thoroughly reviewing the scientific data, the American Psychological Association adopted the same position in 1975, and urged all mental health professionals "to take the lead in removing the stigma of mental illness that has long been associated with homosexual orientations." The National Association of Social Workers has adopted a similar policy. Thus, mental health professionals and researchers have long recognized that being homosexual poses no inherent obstacle to leading a happy, healthy, and productive life, and that the vast majority of gay and lesbian people function well in the full array of social institutions and interpersonal relationships.[2]

”

As you can see from the evidence above, homosexuals will not affect your child’s schooling. The stigma against gays has been removed by most public schools in order to adhere to the latest scientific evidence with or without proposition 8. Videos (such as this one:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q723nhwu4C4&feature=fvst) that teach children that homosexuals will turn them gay have been removed from the school system decades ago.

What is wrong with teaching children that there is nothing wrong with homosexuals? I have heard way too many cases of gays being lynched and killed. These cases are almost identical to the ones that colored people faced before the civil rights revolution. When we point out other people as being different, it will lead to fear, hatred and violence. I choose peace and understanding. During the civil rights movement, proponents of segregation said if blacks were given the right to intermingle with whites, our country would grow more violent because the two sides cannot stand one each other. Yet, fifty years later, we see blacks and whites going to school together, working together, and even marrying each other. Having just laws has made whites and blacks friends and has encouraged peace within our society. In my own experience, I have seen homophobic people become accepting towards gays simply by becoming friends with them. Sometimes, being around people who we think are different is all it takes to realize that there was never any reason to hate or fear them. When my son tells me that his school mates make remarks against gays, I tell him that there is nothing wrong with being gay. This open minded approach has taught him to respect other people’s differences and I am raising one child who is less likely to bully or lynch an innocent gay person due to his ignorant upbringing.

America is the land of equality. Our Bill of Rights defends our right to pursue happiness regardless of who we are. If we are to live in a peaceful society, we need to uphold this bill and put it into practice. What is next for gay rights? We are still fighting proposition 8 in our courts. I am a huge proponent for civil disobedience. I have seen it successfully implemented by Ghandi, who freed India from English rule and by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. who ended the segregation of blacks. Civil disobedience is the act of disobeying an unjust law in order to make a point. I think gays should continue to apply for marriage licenses and to never take no for an answer.  Also, we need to get the word out and let the public know that America is not America if we continue to oppress gays which is why I am making this offer:

I will give a free paper back of my book, “Fireflies” by Lacey Reah to the best argument a person can write supporting gay marriage. Simply write your comment on my blog below. I welcome personal anecdotes. I would love to hear from you.

One who breaks an unjust law that conscience tells him is unjust, and who willingly accepts the penalty of imprisonment in order to arouse the conscience of the community over its injustice, is in reality expressing the highest respect for law.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

The Many Philosophies of Vampires

Happy Holidays everyone!  It’s been so long since I posted.  I’ve been very busy but I do long to write. This blog is about something I have been pondering a lot since I started writing my story about nymphomites.  The subject is Vampires.  What is it about them?  The question isn’t why are vampires so popular lately?  The question is why have vampires been so popular since their inception?  Every generation seems to spawn a new vampire trend and there’s just no escaping it. I’ve been pondering the literary and societal significance of vampires in my own twisted and philosophical mind.  It’s one of those subjects that can make my mind go off into infinity or be reduced to absurdity.  Vampires are scary, beautiful, ugly, funny and archetypical.  Below is a list of reasons why they are so universally popular.

Vampires are immortal and immortality is cool:  There are some people who wish to be immortal.  While this is against nature, many of us still crave the idea of being young forever, never growing old, becoming frail or getting wrinkles.  To think, we will never be sick, never be helpless and never lose strength.  There is self preserving aspect in us that simply doesn’t want to die. If we could be young forever, that would be so cool. We would be powerful and strong too, just like the super heroes of popular comic books.

Immortality is mythical and godlike: Some authors have taken the immortality of vampires to a mythological level.  Their vampires are like Gods that have been around for eons. These stories are epic, like the classic myths of ancient civilizations that are still told today.  These vampires are powerful and want to keep their power much like the Greek Gods. Some authors attest that vampires are the Greek, Roman, Norse or Egyptian Gods.  Some establish them as other characters from mythology such as fallen angels or Judas Iscariot. They rule societies and cast off enemies and create legendary battles and stories.

Immortality is historical:  The vampires who have lived for hundreds or thousands of years have a thing or two to say about history.

Immortality makes us think of our own mortality: On a smaller scale, vampires make us ponder our own mortality.  Seeing someone who is immortal makes us realize that we are mortal.  This can be life affirming.  We wonder what we would do if we lived forever which makes us think of what we should do because we don’t.  We look at our accomplishments and relationships deeply and we are moved in a subconscious way.

Immortality means your species can’t evolve: Not being able to evolve can be sad.  It means that after hundreds of years, you get bored.  There is nothing left.  So vampires become quite dark and depressing.  It also means that they are pure.  Vampires are a species that hasn’t changed and this appeals to those of us who like to learn about ancient civilizations and species that no longer exist.

Vampires are good looking and sexy:  Because they are forever young and powerful, vampires have sex appeal.  Sex sells.

Vampires are hideous and scary: The scary vampires appeal to our own love for anything horrifying.  We tell stories around the campfire and dare ourselves to not be afraid.

The lust for blood is a symbol for greed, sex, or hunger:  I experimented with this idea a lot in my book. What if I compared the hunger for food with the hunger for sex? I sometimes think that hunger is the worst feeling one could ever have and when we are starving, we do desperate things.  It is often confused with the hunger for sex which isn’t quite the same thing.  Still, we desire things and we are often ruled by these desires.  Literature gives us a great escape by indulging us in these desires.  Greed is another example of desire which is compared to hunger.  We are reminded of our own barbaric nature which can be a breath of fresh air when we are constantly told how to be civil by authority figures.

Vampires change from humans to something else: Vampires are immortal and don’t evolve but when they turn from humans into vampires it is a different story. This is evolution in of itself.  We are reminded of our own loss of innocence.  We are subconsciously reminded of a time when we realized that life may not be the way our parents taught us it should be.  It represents a time in our lives when we did something we weren’t supposed to do and will never be the same. It reminds us of our own inner guilt, our struggles to let go of someone who we no longer are, and our own longing for a simpler time. It also reminds us of how easily we can be led to evil.  We don’t want to be transformed and fight the temptation.  Some people beg to be transformed and want to change completely.

Vampires are at the top of the food chain: Humans are horrifying enough.  We are at the top of the food chain and have the ability to kill any animal.  So, when we ponder the idea of another species that is more powerful than we are and that feed on us, it is compelling. We are humbled as we put ourselves in the shoes of our own victims.  We kill animals and plants. We wreak havoc on Mother Nature.  So do vampires and they do so at our expense.  Finally, we know what it is like to be the victim. It gives us perspective and something to truly fear.

Vampires are dead:  They bring us closer to our own obsession with death. We like to think that nothing will really die. If our loved ones never died, would we let them be vampires so we don’t have to let them go? We are fascinated with death and want to be close to it.  We want to understand death and know that it is not the end of everything.

Vampires are like a disease: When they bite you, you become one. This appeals to our fear of disease, of germs, of catching something that might kill us or change our lives forever.

I can go on and on about why vampires are entertaining.  They bring up universal ideas that lie in the psyche of every individual. They can be hideous or beautiful, immortal or dead, godlike and archetypal, evil or good, funny or menacing, dark or silly, barbaric or sublime. There have been so many takes on vampires and I can’t say I like every interpretation but I do like the fact that people still tell vampire stories.  Why do you think vampires are so popular?

TIME

I remember an old T.V. show about a girl who was half alien and she had the power to stop time by touching her two index fingers together. A ding sound would chime and everything would be frozen. Then, whoever she touched would come out of the trance but time would still be frozen. What a cool power!!! I wish I had that power. It seems I'm always watching the clock. First I have to be here, then there. It's like a race. I even put aside some down time but it often gets overrun by time you didn't plan for esp. when cars break down and kids get sick and the down time turns into take the car to the shop time and the kid to the doctor time etc. etc. Then one day, the race just ends.


I guess it was the same before we ever had clocks. The sun told the time. Before there was ever electricity, we raced against light. But when that sun went down, we had to stop what we were doing. That is, until we invented fire. Forget about electricity, fire was the big light bringer. I bet ancient man felt so full of himself back then. "I made fire. I beat time. Mwahahhaahahah!" Such fools we are.


Someone told me that time is an illusion but if it is, then everything is an illusion. As long as I live in this reality, time is as real as the night and day. I used to think I had power over it, the way the first inventor of fire did. In my youth, I stayed up all night, worked all odd hours, attended school, partied and kept going and going, wearing our my adrenal glands with the idea that sleep is only for the dead. But nature has a way of slapping you in the face when you don’t listen. I started hallucinating; dreaming while awake and I realized that I wasn’t an exception to the rest of the human race. Then, when I graduated, I slept. I slept for a good week. I went to work and realized that I remembered things better and was sharper than ever. To this day, I have no idea how I functioned on no sleep or what it looked like to others.
We have invented machines that get us places faster and ways of growing food more efficiently. We have formed farms and cities to control nature. As an unintended consequence, we also invented smog, global warming and oil spills. We thought we knew something. We thought we beat nature but nature has a way of slapping us in the face.


Why are humans so hell bent in controlling nature? Is it because we were made after the image of God and we have the urge to create in our DNA? Yet, somehow, every choice we take to conquer time and the elements backfires. So I’ve accepted my fate and have stopped wasting my energy trying to conquer realities such as time. I think that when we are born, we are only given a certain amount of time. It’s in our DNA. We live, fighting it, afraid of the change that will come when it’s all over. It only reminds me how precious time is and I could spend all my time trying to fight it or I can spend my time enjoying every second of this finite life.

When I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills....

Truth is I'm changing.  I've changed so much I hardly recognize myself.  I'm changing for the better really, my whole mindset is maturing.  I don't accept excuses or silly melodrama.  I know that if I want something, I should just do it.  But I sometimes don't know what to do if I can't do what I used to do 'cause it's not me anymore.  I know, it makes no sense but I'm writing this more for me now.  Everyone we ever were, we love.  And when we change, we mourn a bit of ourselves.  We can be changing for the better.  We could be on the verge of enlightenment but some part of us hangs on to our old selves.  After all, it was a lot easier to be a lesser person than we are today and I do miss the crutches I used to fall on.  

I miss the way I used to write, not like how I write now isn't bad.  When I was a little kid, I didn't even think about writing.  I wrote the most incredible stories and used my imagination to see how far I could take them and I loved doing it.  Then I changed somewhere along the way.  Some English teachers started making me think I had to put meaning in everything.  I spent so long trying to find that old kid in me again.  But she's gone.  It's the things I really want that I'm afraid of doing 'cause I know what the cost is, my heart and soul and dreams and wishes.  

I'm just writing to relax.  No clarity tonight, no poetry, no sweet imagery.  Maybe I'll read this tomorrow and learn something about myself.

Notes on the Introduction to Tantra Workshop

I haven’t written a blog here in a while because it is hard to know what to write.  Part of me wants to write anything but then I realize that anyone could be reading my secret thoughts and I hesitate.  I’ve been suffering from some writer’s block lately.  Or am I just too busy juggling the various aspects of my life to sit still and write?  I have to be so many people all at once.

My latest novella is a work of erotica that is pretty exhausting to read.  The sex scenes are very bold and they consist of descriptive climaxes that are comparatively more intense than the average orgasm.  I have to say that in marketing this novella, I have separated myself a bit from my own sexual nature.  It’s as if I’m afraid that thinking too much about sex will interfere with my other roles.  I suppose this is why the subject of sex has not been addressed in this blog as much as I initially thought it would be.

The other day, I attended an introduction to tantra lecture and I was forced to re-connect to my own sexual energies, the energies I have written happily about in the past.  The teacher, Shama Helena, had a very intuitive sense about why people hit blockages in their relationships and in themselves.  She said that as children, we are energetic and lively.  We are like walking orgasms.  Then we are told to sit still and be quiet.  We are taught that pleasure is naughty and we have to hide our excitement.  In the workshop, Shama encouraged us to go into our bodies and breathe and be aware of the various parts that we have cut off because we are told that to acknowledge them would be “naughty”.  This was my first public tantra session but Shama made me fill at ease by having us all close our eyes.  She ensured us that no one was looking and she had us breathe deeply into our lungs and imagine the energy inside us reaching those “special places”.  Once again, I felt that very important and significant part of me waking up. 

As I got to know her, Shama told me that she has approached the seminary and asked them if she could train the priests in tantra so they could deal with their celibacy better.  She was turned down.  She is looking into teaching it to teenage boys so they would feel less powerless over their erections. I find Shama to be a very freeing and interesting person.  She made me ask myself if we are trapping each other with our need to cut off or control our sexual natures.  Shama said that our sexuality is beautiful and spiritual and blissful, yet there are people out there who think that it is gross and evil.  Is it really healthy to cut off a very strong part of ourselves, a part of ourselves that is such a huge source of energy and love?

Shama said that when we cut ourselves off from our sexual feelings we do not enjoy the sensual pleasures that make the exploration of love so blissful.  Men just want to stick it in and women are left unsatisfied or they are so cut off from their sexuality that they are afraid of experiencing the penetration of love.  Yet, if we take the time to explore every different sensation, we experience more connection, more bliss, and greater climaxes.  We feel things we that we would have never felt had we not taken the time to explore and get to know ourselves.  We learn things about our bodies that it had been trying to tell us and we take better care of ourselves.  

One of the students at the workshop said that everything he learned will make him more spiritual.  He said that he was Buddhist and he practiced meditation and he realized how much his sexuality was a part of that.  What if we were all allowed to show love and affection without the fear of sex?  I am reminded of how different we perceive things when we tear down the labels that society has given them.  All life is a grand and awesome experience.

My Past Life as a Fortune Teller

My past life as a fortune teller

When I say "past life" I mean, it was many phases ago.  I've been many things, lived many lives in this one lifetime.

When I was very young and living in another country, my older brother bought a deck of tarot cards.  He was fascinated with the mystery of them.  He tried to scare and intimidate me by saying he was messing with something evil.  I wonder to this day if he really believed that or if he was just trying to scare me as older siblings often do.  It was just a deck of cards.  He made it seemed like it was scary to look into other people's fortunes.  I guess there is a fear factor involved, depending on who you are.  I was never one to scare easily.  That is the only thing about me that is creepy.  Perhaps this is the reason why I saw things so clearly.  I could see through people.  I was not moved by fear.

I was given my first deck of tarot cards in high school.  One of my best friends became fascinated by them.  We studied books on the tarot, on the symbols and what they meant.  My friend was going through a very tough time.  He was coming to terms with the fact that he was gay, something he had denied all his life.  He never wanted to tell me, but I figured it out and kept the secret.  To his surprise, I didn't freak out.  I simply saw it as news, nothing more.  I was never one to judge people but this was high school and kids could be cruel.  He picked the card "The Devil" to represent him.  Looking back, it was the perfect card.  At the time, his whole world was unfolding and it must have seemed like such a temptation and he must have felt like the greatest outsider.  But cards change as we do.  They are only phases and represent our own attitudes at the time.

He liked to study astral projection and gave me a book on it.  I suppose he wanted to escape the world.  I never understood the need for people to escape their body and try to understand some other astral world before being able to understand what is right in front of them.  Even when I accidentally succeeded in it, I still didn’t see the point.

Not long after graduating high school, I visited The Psychic Eye Book Store and was drawn to a beautiful tarot deck.  It was called The Tarot of the Old Path and the symbols spoke to me.

I spent a summer working at residential camp.  I taught programs there.  After 10PM, I had some time to myself.  The counselors got an hour off from manning the cabins.  We'd go to a little dorm area with a lounge and chill out.  I'd take out my deck of cards and study them, their symbols, what they meant and what I felt from them.  I started reading for people but I told them I was just a novice, just learning.  Every once and while I'd have to refer back to my book.

The funny thing is, I'd ask the subject if they had a question for me, and they always would.  But they never want to disclose what it was.  One boy was very excited about an upcoming venture but he wouldn't tell me what it was.  I told him that if he did what he was going to do, he would get what he wanted, but it wouldn't be worth it. 

The next morning, I didn't see him at the camp circle.  He had been replaced by the gofer boy.  I later learned that he snuck off to see another counselor who he had a crush on.  The only thing is, she was camped out with the other kids at the time.  He was fired for this transgression and so was she. I learned my first lesson, that people won't ever heed the warning of a fortune teller.

When I was younger, I started writing in a journal.  I'd write my dreams only to learn, later on, that many of those dreams came true.  Dreams are easily forgotten.  So imagine my shock when I went back to read those papers only to find that some dreams, that seemed so surreal at the time, were just images of a future I would never have imagined for myself.

I saw things such as the destruction and falling out of my martial arts school due to conflicting belief systems and the falling out of my parents’ marriage, and the great 95 quake that shook and tested the mental capacity of many Sothern Californians before they happened. I was so young then and these came to me as impressions and dreams and all were frightening at the time.  One lady gave me solace.  She was a yoga instructor and fortune teller herself.  She told me I had to learn to help those who I felt such bad energy from.  She said I had a gift and that I'm a healer, and that I couldn't run away from that.  But I didn't know how I could possibly help anyone.  When you are young, all change is scary because you don't know yet, that things happen for a reason.   So I left

I moved to NY to seek my fortune.  I lived with some roommates in the ghetto.  I would read for them just for fun.  I remembered some neighbors coming over to hang out.  One guy was curious, the other had to leave.  He just walked out.  He thought what I was doing was evil and I sensed such a great and irrational fear from him.  I still find that funny.  I recall my brother's first impressions of the cards.  This man had similar impressions, but he was scared out of his mind.  He believed that something bad would happen if he had anything to do with them.

  

Funny how what is evil and scary and dangerous to one person can be a friend and nurturing companion to another. Also, I learned that fortune tellers themselves have impressions.  A fortune teller told a friend of mine that she would meet a man full of chaos and to stay away from him.  Years later, she married that man and told me he was the best thing that ever happened to her.  She thought she couldn’t have kids and this man gave her three.  Their marriage lasted over ten years before they got divorced.  So, I guess the question is, was he or wasn’t he good for her? Fortune tellers can’t answer these questions.  No one can.

I recall the first time I read for one of my roommates.  She wouldn't tell me her question but I did the reading anyway and tried somehow to answer.  The symbols and the way they set themselves in the spread were dark.  I saw bondage, knives, lots of knives.  I looked at her in awe and asked her what her question was.  She said, "why?"  I said, "Because there is a lot of conflict, fighting, knives, bondage, feelings of being trapped.  "That's weird," she said, "I just wanted to know who killed my uncle."

"How did he die?"

"He was stabbed 29 times"

I don't remember if I solved her mystery for her.  I just remember that was as dark as it got.  That was not the reason why I stopped reading the cards.

I guess there were many reasons.  I got bad at it is one.  I lost my touch.  I fell in love, moved on, became very focused on my own life.  How can we be there for others if we are not together ourselves?  I became practical.  I'm still practical.  'Cause really, what does it matter if I know the future.  I saw 9/11 as clear as day.  It didn't make any difference.  We have the power to change things yes, but I don't think I am making the most progress by knowing the future.  We can misinterpret the future anyway.  Things that seem like bad omens can turn out to be blessings in disguise.  No one ever heeded my warnings when I read their fortunes.  They went ahead and had their little disasters and learned their lessons on their own.  It never made a difference what I said.  I stopped reading horoscopes.  I stopped looking into people's hearts, none of my business anyway.  I'm done being a sadistic voyeur.  This life is a mystery and whether I know the future or not, I am a fool to think I am anywhere near grasping it.  I think it's a waste of time.  So read fortunes and have your fortunes read.  Do it for fun.  But don't take it seriously because you will never truly understand the future until it happens.  The present is what is important.

I still have that old tarot deck, wrapped up in silk.  I wonder if they print it any more.  I pulled it out a few times but really didn't get much out of it.  It's just a piece of nostalgia now.  I have completely blocked out my ability to make any more of the cards than good art.

I might still have it though.  One day I decided to take a restorative yoga class.  The lounge for the center was situated outdoors and it was a windy and cold night.  I thought I'd sit inside, by the desk.  I had never been to the place before.  I knocked and the instructor's dogs came to my door barking up a storm.  The instructor appeared, annoyed that I interrupted her class and told me to wait outside.  This is what I get for being early.  She rubbed me the wrong way so I, being in a yogic mood decided to try to find something I liked about her.  I held the poses in class just enjoying the quiet.  I saw a vision of the front of the room.  Someone was sitting there.  Perhaps it was her but my days of interpreting my visions are long gone.  I saw a figure of a tall man with a beard and a great cross coming out of his back bending over to hug her as she sat there.  I made nothing of it, just another vision as many I have had.  But something told me to tell the lady about it afterwards.  Maybe she could get something out of it that I couldn't.

When I did, she was aghast, almost in tears and I wondered if I had described someone who passed away.  No, that wasn't it.  And I was wrong to ever make any assumption in my mind.  She was to be baptized the next day and she believed the figure to be Jesus. She said that she felt that she was being hugged, as in my vision, that whole month.  She thanked me so much for the vision.  I guess I still got it if I want it.  But really, I don't.  Or do I?